Bravoholics, when Bravo promised drama on The Valley reunion, we didn’t know they meant this. Part 1 of the reunion aired on July 29, and exes Jax Taylor and Brittany Cartwright went in on each other like they were fighting for a reunion Emmy. From baby mama shade to rose bush throwdowns, the tea is messier than Jax’s dating history and that's saying a lot.

Andy Cohen, suited and barely surviving, opened the floodgates by asking Jax if he planned to get a vasectomy. Without hesitation, Jax, 46, said, “Oh, yeah.” Brittany, never one to miss a punchline, jumped in with, “He definitely needs one. He’s going to have 20 baby mamas if he doesn’t. He’s disgusting. I would not touch that dirty d**k with a 10-inch pole.” 

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Jax wasn’t about to take the insult lying down. He responed back with a little aquarium-flavored gossip: “That’s not what you said four months ago when we were at the aquarium. You said, ‘Do you think we should hook up one more time?’ At Hooters. You were drunk.” Brittany, 36, wasn’t having it: “Doubtful. Now that I know everything you’ve done and what you’ve got going on down there? There’s no possible way." 

The conversation quickly spiraled into a full-blown sex scandal showdown. Jax accused Brittany of messing around with a guy who’s been with porn stars, and Brittany shot right back, saying Jax had his own roster of OnlyFans models and adult film stars. Jax then complained about finding “condoms all over the floor,” and Brittany snatched the moment like a seasoned Housewife: “At least I use them.”

But the real chaos erupted when Brittany started detailing a violent fight after their split, where Jax allegedly found out she was hooking up with their mutual friend, Julian Sensley. According to Brittany, things got extremely aggressive.

“He threw the coffee table, it landed on my knee, it turned black immediately,” she claimed. “He threw both bar stools, he threw my Stanley Cup and broke it. He threw my phone and broke it. He threw my laptop and broke it.” She also alleged he “threw me into the rose bushes.”

Jax denied it,  but Brittany stood ten toes down: “Yes, you did. It’s on my Ring doorbell camera. My close friends have seen the videos.” And y’all, the co-stars backed her. 

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The former couple also dragged each other over their co-parenting situation. Brittany currently has full custody of their 4-year-old son Cruz, but Jax gets visitation on Wednesdays and every other weekend – if he passes random drug tests. Brittany said she bought a 100-pack of drug tests and gives them out “sporadically.” She even questioned whether Jax was on steroids because of his wild mood swings.

“Your attitude and your personality is so sporadic,” she said. “If it isn’t alcohol, it isn’t drugs, if it isn’t this—what is it?”

Jax tried to play the redemption arc, insisting, “I’m not on anything… I’m trying to work on my anger… I don’t want to touch drugs and alcohol again, it’s f**ked up my life.” 

But Brittany wasn’t buying it. She called him out for allegedly body-shaming her after she gave birth to Cruz.

“I had your son, and then you body-shamed me for stretch marks,” she said tearfully. Jax denied it, but Brittany and multiple castmates said they saw the texts. Brittany added, “Literally called me a tree trunk because I had stretch marks.” Only after being pressured did Jax mutter an apology: “I am very sorry about all of this.”

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Let’s not forget – Brittany officially filed for divorce in August 2024, six months after announcing their separation, citing irreconcilable differences after five years of marriage. The filing came six months after the couple publicly announced their separation. She’s asking for full legal and physical custody. And while Jax initially responded by asking her to take on full custody (yes, really), it seems like he’s still trying to figure out how to weaponize the divorce for Bravo clout.

According to Brittany, Jax recently admitted he didn’t want to finalize the divorce just yet, in case he needed to get alimony. The same man who told the world he’s “stepping away” from The Valley on July 16? Yeah, that man. Jax kinda confirmed it too: “That’s somewhat true.”

Honestly, this reunion gave everything: drama, delusion, damage control, and a few d**k jokes sprinkled on top. If this is Part 1, we might need therapy before Part 2 drops on August 5 at 8 p.m. ET on Bravo. Stay tuned, Bravohilocs!  We’ve clearly only scratched the surface of this toxic saga.